Thoughts and Rambling
Jun. 2nd, 2011 07:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cinagelSo I'm tired...
And when I get tired I get introspective...if that is indeed a word (what do you want from me? I'm operating on 4 hours sleep right now and can't even remember if CAT is a real word). Anyways, I sometimes catch myself getting melancholy about things here and there. I should have done this differently I should have done that? Why didn't I try A instead of going route B? What is Person X's thoughts on me as well as person Y's? Will I ever be as good? Will I ever be as pretty? Will I ever be what so and so wants me to be?
Its a weird sneaky little spiral I fall into now and then. Lately I've been falling into it more lately. I like to call it the early 20ties blues...you know...when I actually CARED about these kinda things. Now in my mid 30ties I manage to shake myself out of this spiral of crazy self conscious thoughts by sitting and taking stock..TRUE stock in my life. Just reviewing the big picture not the pithy annoying little details that stress me out. And I tend to come to these conclusions that bring me out of the pure insanity of endless thoughts that in a year or two won't really mean dick.
This is my list that I play when times get rough in my head:
1 - I was raised in a good family. Truly I was. My mom and dad never pushed me to be anyone else than who I am. I never felt obligated to become a lawyer or a doctor because its what they expected of me. They trusted me in my judgement with what I wanted to do. The rule was "Do what you love and when you work, it won't feel like work." And I did. Oh my path has changed professionally quite a bit, but I never regretted it. I do what I love. I was also raised on the philosophy of humor. We laugh. We laugh a lot. Its what gets me through life. Sometimes a joke is all you have. And laughter is what eases the pain. As a Kinnard, I take the good and the bad because without the bad you never will know how wonderful the good is. And without the good you will never know why the bad is worth fighting through. I'm blessed I had these lessons in life. No one is tougher than a Kinnard.
2-I'm a pretty interesting lady. And honestly I tend to lose sight of this because my lifestyle is mine. Everyday in it? Yeah seems kinda blah. But trying to look at it from an outsiders POV, I'm kinda interesting. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn. I'm hardly the most fascinating person on the planet. But I work in a museum which is intellectually stimulating, I have a hobby where I get to dress up in period costume and learn history (and drink..lets not forget the drinking), I come home to play in my own private studio and create things with my own hands, and my husband is a intelligent ex Navy man who has traveled the world. And all of this fulfills me. I have things to talk about. I have a passion to share.
3-I have interesting friends. To say most of them have had lives FAR different than the one I was raised with is an understatement. I have a group of friends who are amazing human beings. Each one of them has a story to tell. Each one of them has a joke I haven't heard. Each one of them has a talent from art, to dance, to fighting,to rolling dice, to just making others smile. Each one of them is a survivor. Each one of them has had their own personal demon attack them, has overcome it, and has become a better person because of it. I have surrounded myself with colorful, interesting, amazing, compassionate, strong people. People who EARNED the right to be alive, kicking, laughing and continuing on in their own right. And I am honored that they have chosen me to hang out with them.
4-I have always been true to myself. I never had to pretend to be something I'm not. Oh yes, in social settings I will put my best foot forward. Everyone has a side they present to strangers. But even then I am still who I am. I am bubbly, I am talkative, I am sharp tongued. I am a geek, an artist, a seamstress, a worker. I am neurotic, I laugh like a chicken, I have anxiety, I am afraid of failure, I have made mistakes, and I can overcome. I am self confidant and I regret nothing.
And when I get tired I get introspective...if that is indeed a word (what do you want from me? I'm operating on 4 hours sleep right now and can't even remember if CAT is a real word). Anyways, I sometimes catch myself getting melancholy about things here and there. I should have done this differently I should have done that? Why didn't I try A instead of going route B? What is Person X's thoughts on me as well as person Y's? Will I ever be as good? Will I ever be as pretty? Will I ever be what so and so wants me to be?
Its a weird sneaky little spiral I fall into now and then. Lately I've been falling into it more lately. I like to call it the early 20ties blues...you know...when I actually CARED about these kinda things. Now in my mid 30ties I manage to shake myself out of this spiral of crazy self conscious thoughts by sitting and taking stock..TRUE stock in my life. Just reviewing the big picture not the pithy annoying little details that stress me out. And I tend to come to these conclusions that bring me out of the pure insanity of endless thoughts that in a year or two won't really mean dick.
This is my list that I play when times get rough in my head:
1 - I was raised in a good family. Truly I was. My mom and dad never pushed me to be anyone else than who I am. I never felt obligated to become a lawyer or a doctor because its what they expected of me. They trusted me in my judgement with what I wanted to do. The rule was "Do what you love and when you work, it won't feel like work." And I did. Oh my path has changed professionally quite a bit, but I never regretted it. I do what I love. I was also raised on the philosophy of humor. We laugh. We laugh a lot. Its what gets me through life. Sometimes a joke is all you have. And laughter is what eases the pain. As a Kinnard, I take the good and the bad because without the bad you never will know how wonderful the good is. And without the good you will never know why the bad is worth fighting through. I'm blessed I had these lessons in life. No one is tougher than a Kinnard.
2-I'm a pretty interesting lady. And honestly I tend to lose sight of this because my lifestyle is mine. Everyday in it? Yeah seems kinda blah. But trying to look at it from an outsiders POV, I'm kinda interesting. I'm not saying this to toot my own horn. I'm hardly the most fascinating person on the planet. But I work in a museum which is intellectually stimulating, I have a hobby where I get to dress up in period costume and learn history (and drink..lets not forget the drinking), I come home to play in my own private studio and create things with my own hands, and my husband is a intelligent ex Navy man who has traveled the world. And all of this fulfills me. I have things to talk about. I have a passion to share.
3-I have interesting friends. To say most of them have had lives FAR different than the one I was raised with is an understatement. I have a group of friends who are amazing human beings. Each one of them has a story to tell. Each one of them has a joke I haven't heard. Each one of them has a talent from art, to dance, to fighting,to rolling dice, to just making others smile. Each one of them is a survivor. Each one of them has had their own personal demon attack them, has overcome it, and has become a better person because of it. I have surrounded myself with colorful, interesting, amazing, compassionate, strong people. People who EARNED the right to be alive, kicking, laughing and continuing on in their own right. And I am honored that they have chosen me to hang out with them.
4-I have always been true to myself. I never had to pretend to be something I'm not. Oh yes, in social settings I will put my best foot forward. Everyone has a side they present to strangers. But even then I am still who I am. I am bubbly, I am talkative, I am sharp tongued. I am a geek, an artist, a seamstress, a worker. I am neurotic, I laugh like a chicken, I have anxiety, I am afraid of failure, I have made mistakes, and I can overcome. I am self confidant and I regret nothing.
Sometimes I just need to put those thoughts to words to truly get myself out of my spiral. And honestly, I believe every word I typed. I do. If they weren't true, I wouldn't have the life I have now. And I wouldn't have the friends I have now. And I wouldn't be as fulfilled as I am right now. Do I have bad times? Yes. We all do. And the rough times will hit. They always do. But those four things above are what tells me I can survive. That I can live and that at the core of it all, my life is worth living. My life is worth boasting about. My life may not be some picture perfect magazine article but its mine. MINE. And I'm going to enjoy it while I'm on this earth despite those who tell me me I should be someone else.
Life is beautiful.
And to those who tell me my life is not beautiful?
Fuck off. :)
